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Douglas County Conciliation and Mediation Services
Hall of Justice
1701 Farnam Street, 1st Floor
Omaha, NE 68183
(402) 444-7168

SUMMARY OF INFORMATION COVERED IN
"WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN"

Attendance of this two-hour seminar offered by Douglas County Conciliation & Mediation Services, is mandatory for parents who have filed petitions in Douglas County for dissolutions involving children, or for decrees of paternity involving parenting time with the child. The seminar should be attended within 60 days following a filed petition; it is intended to inform the parents about Parenting Plans and prepare them for creating their plans either through mediation or input into their attorney’s negotiation of their plan. Therefore it should be attended before work on the Parenting Plan begins. The parents also receive information about the grief process they and their children are experiencing, and the necessity of keeping the children out of the conflict between the parents is emphasized, as well as the importance of the children having a relationship with both parents and not having to choose sides. Parental Pain games that injure children the most are defined including: speaking negatively about each other to the children, pumping the children for information about the other parent, using them as “spies” or as messengers who are forced to convey negative messages to the other parent, and using child support and visitation as tactical weapons against each other, causing the children, instead, to suffer the most from these actions.

The feelings of children in these situations and others are illustrated by both the speaker, and the video, “Children: The Experts on Divorce.” The visitation exchange of the children between the parents is explored, in terms of the children’s view of what is happening to them as well as the conduct of the parents and the impact of their actions on the children. The terror of children observing and/or experiencing violence between or from their parents and the prolonged and negative long-term effects of these actions on children are explained. Parents are also cautioned about the effects of bringing a new “significant other” into the children’s lives too soon, while the children are still grieving for the loss of their parents’ relationship.

Appropriate and inappropriate communications between parents are covered, and the use of a relationship diagram, is used to illustrate to the parents that following their separation, the primary reason for communication between them is the children. Unless they are speaking about the children regarding true parenting matters, i.e. their health, education, activity schedule or parenting schedule (perhaps an occasional financial matter) they are usually communicating on an intimate or “spousal” level, which is the relationship they are leaving behind. Handouts are used to illustrate the necessity of employing businesslike communications between the parents to successfully deal with each other regarding co-parenting matters. The reasons for communications about the children being conducted only between the parents of the children are also emphasized. (The majority of modification matters we see filed after remarriages or involvement with “significant others” appear to indicate inappropriate communications and roles being acted out within the re-structured households as one of the primary reasons for problems recurring between the children’s parents.)

The participants are given an overview of Parenting Plans and the mediation process, and are asked to consult their attorneys prior to their mediation sessions as well as after, to ensure they understand the forms of custody and factors that can affect them. A typical “reasonable visitation” or parenting schedule is outlined. The parties are given handouts, which include a resource list of some of the groups and services available in the area, and separate brochures on individual local resources are also displayed and made available.

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